Throwback Song

Why does this damn song still apply to me today? Oh well. Just felt likes sharing it today. Wish me good luck on my final today :)

Mommy

Omg I feel like such a mommy ever since we've moved into the apartment. I'm cleaning, cooking, and making sure that people feel welcomed and comfortable here. It's weird... I'm such a bunso and I'm the mommy in the apartment. Haha.

Yesterday was too much [in a good, funny way]. I felt like I housed a bunch of refugees. I had 2 people come up from LA to go to SF's Pride. Crazy people popped and EDC and drove up after they left. Then another friend came who popped at the Pink Party the night before. Another friend has an effed up relationship with our other friend. Also we have an indecisive friend about his sexuality. And then we have another friend so desperate for some MJ that she and Pink Party went through our trash can for some in a zip lock bag that they accidentally through out.  My friends... I love them. This is college homie, know who you chill with and how to control yourself. Yay for me. I've never felt like the most innocent one but now I am

Anyways the whole point of this blog is to somehow relate it to my dreams and aspirations to one day become a mother. Sometimes I wish I could fastforward in time to see who I marry and how many children we have. I can't help but wonder whether or not this dream of mine to have my own family will come true. I'm 19, definitely still young. However, it's always been a part of my nature to plan ahead or know what I want in life. I know I say that I want to enjoy these times being single or being independent. But, it gets lonely... I guess? Or maybe... I'm just bored? Jason Vanduyne and I texted each other a couple days back. He did say I was over-analytical but he did bring up some of my good qualities. Weird calling him Jason... I'm still not accustomed to the idea that he was my APUSH teacher. Now I am going off on a tangent.

I wonder if anyone else actually reads my xanga. I just write everything to express how I feel. Anyways, class soon. Bye!

MA

"Allen " (11:02:25 AM): life is hard for girls =/

OgLiTtErMe (11:02:46 AM): LMAO

OgLiTtErMe (11:02:50 AM): its not hard just complicated

"Allen " (11:03:00 AM): its less opportunistic

"Allen " (11:03:08 AM): and i mean, what if youre a girl that isnt good looking

"Allen " (11:03:25 AM): like, what if youre just straight up fat

I Should be Writing a Paper

Since someone else is ignoring me and being an asshole. My paper is due tomorrow. 4-6 pages; I haven't written an essay in so long... I think I forgot how. I'm barely on the intro. I guess I'm staying up late tonight again.

But ewww I hate my Best Friend. She knows me too well.

Telling her about what ringtone I want:

OgLiTtErMe (10:30:31 PM): hahaha why you gotta think its about a person

 

I Should Be Studying

To say one wants to change for the better is completely different from the actual act of changing for the better. I constantly say that I'm going to find God again and that I'm going to change my study habits to do better in school, but yet I haven't done anything to change these bad habits. Certainly people need time to correct everything, but at what point does saying you want to change actually leads to the process of changing.

I'm writing about this because I'm currently observing or was observing someone whose been saying such things for a while and yet I see no difference. I see a step forward, but three steps back. It's always been in my nature to 1. help someone out or 2. not give a flying fuck. I think I'm starting to see things in the latter.

With the amount of independence I've had and with all the life experience (though not so much yet not that little), I believe I have changed for the better in some sense. I need to learn from my mistakes and seriously learn from them. I let myself slip once too often to legitimately say I've changed for the better. So why not start now? Hours before my next midterm; perfect timing, I know.

For once, I'm by myself - no need of emotional support. However, I find myself lonely, somewhat bored with the lack of attention? I don't know. I don't need anyone to complete me, but I'm bored that no one else has come along. Understandably, I'm slightly like baby tiny ounce crushing on someone but it's more of a.. i want him because i know i can't have it type of manner. I refuse to crush on a colleague, yet alone someone I'll be working with the next year. Sometimes I think I can't help but crush on people I'm not supposed to be with because it boxes me off from actually feeling happy or whatever feeling.

I honestly don't know where I'm going with this. My mind's just screwy before my midterm. Oh well.