When I was younger, I used to force myself to throw up in order to alleviate my anxiety. Today I did just that. I know it's unhealthy, but it felt so damn good. I swear my bulimia isn't coming back. I guess I just needed that psychological relief that throwing up would make me feel better. It did. Now back to working on my presentation. Ahh the stress!

It used to be a compliment, now it's a burdern.

It's nice to know that I "deserve better", but it's so fucking frustrating to hear. I feel like I'm never going to date again because no guy is good enough.

Well aren't you lucky Mr. Perfect? There won't be any guys in between now and the time we meet. I guess I'll wait for you.

Dear People from my Past,

Sometimes I wish that you could call me and ask how I'm doing. The truth is, it's still hard for me to open up to people and tell them the truth about everything I do. I've done things that I'm ashamed about, and I know you would probably judge me, but sometimes I need that comfort of knowing that someone who knew everything about was there to listen. To hear me out.

I've done some stupid shit. You know me, I used to be so damn close to perfect. Ever since things went down the drain, I've done stuff I never thought I'd do. I don't want to use "it's college" as an excuse because we both know that that was never me.

I miss you people of my past.

Remind me that though I've done some bad things, that you still think of me as that close to perfect person you once met.

Because you'd be disappointed to see what alcohol does to me.

I didn't want to be like this.

My [Supposedly] Last Blog

Dear Xanga,

I have delayed writing my last blog for far too long and I think it is time to finally say my goodbyes. I have listened to sad and emotional songs for the past couple of hours in order to have my mind flowing with eloquency, but right now, I do not have much to say. I know I write better at night, but I need to begin my life moving on to new different things.

So to start off with the shallow things, I took my second mid-term for organic chemistry today. I did not do as well as I hoped, but everyone else seems to think they performed horribly. Hopefully, everyone receives low scores and sets the curve really low. I really would like to get a good grade in O-Chem. I need to, my science GPA and chance at Med-school depends on it. I'm so not ready to start the school year. My brain is fried and I need a break. I do not want to worry about classes or grades or meetings or responsibilities. However, I go to Berkeley, and as of now these wants are impossible to attain. Unfortunately, I need to do PAA homework that is due in a couple of days. I barely started. I also need to do more things for Chief of Staff. Anyone want to intern?

So I started using my new screen name yesterday. I don't know why I have people on my buddy list when I don't talk to them often. A part of me just wants to delete everyone and just have people on there who I normally talk to. It's a cute screen name. Good change.

Ok so I don't want to delay this blog anymore. In fact, I just don't want to write anything anymore. But I do want to say is that this xanga has been my outlet, my escape from reality. I have written in my xanga for almost 6 years and I have shared so much personal information that it's extremely difficult to let go. Looking back, I read about my nonsense drama in elementary school, temporary boys, miniature heartbreaks, real heartbreaks, and fears. I wrote about puppy love and how I've grown from that stage to the next. I've seen my progression and growth as a person. How every year, my dreams and aspirations became more real. Every day, every month, every year was just a step closer to my future.

I remember labeling UCLA as my dream school. Then I switched to UC Berkeley then back to LA. Now I'm here, discovering who I am. All I know as of now is that I am fully immersed in a different environment, outside of my comfort zone. I am not stuck. I'm out of the high school mindset. But sometimes I can't help but wonder if I didn't go to Berkeley. Would everything be different? Would my life turn out the way it has? Would it have been better?  Hurts to wonder.A lot of my friends and I discuss this situation where people who move away from home grow up and are more educated. They are less likely to participate in "drama" but rather are more welcoming to the idea of maturing into their own individual. Many people back at home are still unsure what they want to do with their life or how to pursue their goals. Sometimes I wonder.. Will they every grow up? Take no offense loved ones. This is merely a thought that constantly crosses my mind. Education.Exposure.Experience.

Once again I say Dear Xanga,

Thank you for being here for me to vent about my fears and the pain that I have received. Shit now I'm getting teary. In a sense this symbolizes the intangible act of letting everything go. Letting go of the past, of the pain, of the memories. Not erasing, but remembering. Not leaving, just moving on. I shared so much and I can still feel every emotion I felt at the time if each posted blog. I still feel happy during my ethusiastic cheery blogs. I still feel embarassed when I read that I said something stupid. I still feel that same weakness everytime I withdrew and felt like shit. But the only thing that's changed is the "love" I felt before because I definitely don't feel it now. Those moments, though terrible and painful, are still memorable. They have shaped me into the person I am now. I used to always try and see the good in people, no matter how much they have hurt me or done me wrong. Mask fears and insecurities by giving people the benefit of a doubt. But now I know that perhaps that isn't always the best thing to do. "Don't worry about people from your past. There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future." I won't forget the friendships that ended. The relationships that failed. And the person who I used to be.

Goodbyes were never easy. But some are.

Maritess